#5 Inspiration

write something. write something. write something.
Sitting out on a beautiful patio in the rain surrounded by the hard work of my father who was blessed with a green thumb and a knack for all thing natural. I can't help but feel inspired. Inspired to do what exactly, I have no idea. But finding a little bit of nature amidst a world where I am constantly surrounded by machines (one of which is tucked away in my sports bra as I type) its hard to not be inspired. Refreshed.
But me, lacking any iota of creativity its hard to make something concrete out of the inspiration I'm experiencing. Inspirationally constipated if you will. Its always interesting to see what kinds of things inspire different people. One man's trash could be another man's inspiration? Does it work like that? There are probably are a number of things that inspire people across the board though. Nature, human or otherwise, people, love, heartbreak, art, etc. These things typically stir some kind of emotion at least in most people. Assuming you have a beating heart and are capable of emotion. Lord know I've encountered a number of people I could only describe as fleshy robots. But its where we get art and music and things like that from. Books. Plays.
I'm not really sure where this is going. I wish I could write out a song or a poem or a story for you to enjoy as an output of my inspiration. But I guess this is just mostly for me to feel productive. I'm not well versed in the ways of poetry. I've heard people who are the best at things like that just produce it naturally. But there is a certain amount of skill that is involved in being able to write songs and
poetry. Rules and patterns to follow. When people say "oh they are a natural" or things like that, I feel like it kind of robs them of the actual skills they possess to be able to create the things they do. I agree it may come naturally but that does not mean that person does not understand or follow the rules involved in possessing that natural ability. Rant.
Like I said. I'm not sure where this is going. But I'm jealous of people who have been blessed with those abilities. But rest assured, I am the kind of person to acknowledge and deeply appreciate those people. So here is a big thank you to the people who can create what I feel in my heart. Who create things externally what the rest of us feel internally. Without y'all we would just be a bunch of constipated humans feeling too much without knowing what to do with it. Thank y'all for getting us.

#4 Despair is a choice

hits home for me find my self committing envy instead of being happy for what everyone else has and think why not me

Hope is a choice. Despair is a choice. Contrary to popular belief they are not congenital, or based on your state in life. No one is predestined to live a life of positive things or negative things. Someone with seemingly nothing to gain and no where to go can choose hope. The reverse is also true. Someone with every material possession with their lives seemingly in order with the world at their feet can also make either choice.  

A child of despair is to believe that your hope will never be filled. It is a blatant choice to put your hopes in the world instead of the God that created you and paid the price already for your burdens. We create this state. Some people wonder how can God do this to me? I’m so alone. That, my friend, is because you chose to isolate your self from God and put your hope and faith in the fleeting standards of this world. When we choose hope we are choosing to look forward and know that God will take care of us despite our circumstances.  

I recently went through a tough time when I felt that I wasn’t enough. I felt alone and rejected by someone I trusted and cared about deeply. I was down and depressed for some time and honestly am still trying to work through it.  This consumed me at the beginning, it was all I thought about and I constantly replayed each moment over and over in my head wondering what I did wrong, or what I could have changed to not be here alone in the end. I put on a happy face and pretended it was no big deal, and this mask allowed me to function through the day where constant reminders were around every corner.  I held up hope that maybe they would change their mind and give it another go. I put more faith in THAT than I did in God, and His ability to fill the hole that was left behind.  Don’t get me wrong, my faith in God didn’t waver I did continue to pray. The problem was, that God felt so far away from me at that point, that I felt as though I was grasping at straws and my prayers were falling on deaf ears. I found/continue to find myself often falling into a state of envy, when I should be happy for other people and trust that God has my time planned, and this was just not it. I eventually got to a point where I was finally over my sorrows and obsessing over a situation that was not worth the time I was wasting. I was done choosing despair.

It was at that time that I attended a conference run by our young adult program within our diocese about seeing happiness and finding hope. Based on the Theology of the Body by none other than our precious Saint JPII. Most of this post is based on notes I took and things that resonated with me from the day.

A sweet, bubbly, adorable, little nun from Louisiana validated my pain. God allowed me to feel this pain because he was preparing me for something different. I’m a kind of person who responds to and relates to analogies and metaphors. So it was very clear and helped immensely when she used the analogy of a garden. God plants a beautiful garden within our hearts, He does not plant ugly unruly plants in our garden. When we feel pain and are faced with this adversity it is because God is uprooting these plants that we thought were perfect and good, only to replace them with something better. We loved the roses that were there before, there was nothing wrong with them, but they were nothing compared to the orchids he is replacing them with. The uprooting process is hard, and PAINFUL, but necessary to receive all that He wants to give us. 

“We are made for the infinite, because the infinite made us” – Sr. Tracey of the Daughters of St. Paul

Our human hearts are so small. They need to be stretched in order to receive the love and blessing God wants to give us. Its an interesting concept; going through pain to receive something confronting and beautiful. In those moments when we falter and feel that our weaknesses are bigger than we are, it is God pushing us to our limits so we can have an opportunity to grow.

Hope is a steadfast orientation to that which will fill you.

The problem with this is that you need to have your eye on the right thing that will fill you. Luckily I didn’t get to the extreme of orientating myself to harmful things such as drugs, or alcohol or sex to fill me.  That leads to a dead end and would end up feeling even more empty after that. But I did continue to remain in a state of despair because my heart was fixated on someone that was, instead of Him who knows the size of the hole in my heart and exactly how to fill it.

I'm definitely a work in progress. 

#3 need vs. want

*Currently listening Great Big Storm by Nate Ruess https://soundcloud.com/fueled_by_ramen/nate-ruess-great-big-storm*

I recently read an article about the difference between "wanting" and needing someone.  Again at the risk of excluding those of you not currently dating or in a relationship ( A boat I sail along with you), this post can easily adapt to any form of relationship. Just keep your mind open to the overall message. I'll give you the link here so you can read it for yourself and form your opinion to agree or disagree with me ;)

http://elitedaily.com/dating/differences-between-wanting-needing-person/770421/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=EG&utm_content=770421

Ok so here are my thoughts on this article. I (obviously) can relate to this article because I may or may not be able to relate to it. One thing that stuck out to me was when the writer says "The instinct to want and to avoid loss are so strong and so deeply ingrained in out psyches that we see little purpose to life outside of them." It makes sense! It is in our human nature to want things (or people), to be wanted, and to hold on... whether we should or not.

Here is the big BUT, We need to hold ourselves to a higher standard. We just want so deeply to hold on to things because it is part of our humanity. That coupled with our innate need to be wanted is where we seem to get ourselves into trouble. Because of this we create and try to see things that aren't there and ignore all the signs that we should see. But we deserve more than that!
The article does a beautiful job of illustrating examples of these signs so not to disappoint, but I'm not gonna try and muck it up with personal examples to make my point.

Where I become conflicted however, is the part where its in my nature to give. We are called to be selfless, to love and give unconditionally to everyone. But I have realized as of late that there is a fine line between that, and full on just being taken advantage of. I have been there before, feeling fulfilled because I enjoy making people feel good and being supportive, but at the same time empty. Here I am constantly offering love, advice, a lending ear, or what have you, but that shoulder is not there when God forbid I come to need it. I expected that shoulder because in my mind there was a relationship there. If I didn't ignore the signs I would have seen that this was not the case.

Relationships, at least personal ones in my opinion, should be a 2 way street. Both people working to lift the other one up. These relationships are centered around love. Again, not exclusively romantic relationships, but any relationship.  I once heard a dear priest at my parish define love so simply but so accurately, he said "Love by definition is mutual self sacrifice." The key word here being mutual. Both people sacrifice for the sake of the other. This has become such a foreign concept in our society recently. Everything is self centered, revolving around the "what's in it for me" attitude. When in fact true love is nothing but sacrifice. I will save you the rant for fear of making this post too long. ;)

So yea, there is nothing wrong with being selfless and being there for someone unconditionally, but don't psych your self out and try to call it a relationship if the other person is not mutually giving of themselves. We have to learn when we are being taken advantage of, whether it is emotionally, financially, or however it is that you are offering yourself.  Get a birds eye view of the situation, and open your eyes, to the signs you may have been ignoring. On the reverse we may be the ones that are taking advantage of others! Check yourself to see if maybe you are the taker and then change yourself. Don't be that guy.

Be supportive, be open, be generous,  but don't be apologetic for going to get yourself what you deserve.

#2 Honesty

Honnête. Honesty.  Noun: The quality or fact of being honest; truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness. As defined by dictionary.com.  Seems like a legit quality to expect from people right? So why do we as humans have such a hard time with it? Is it because we have been so engrained to not hurt other people's feelings that our social filters have been formed so tightly that now we just lie to save some face? I'm all about being considerate of others and saving face and avoiding confrontation because I am not the kind of person to stir the pot. So when I go on this rant (I consider this a rant as I have no real solution for this situation, it is simply a means of brain dumping) I am more or less also included in it. However, honesty in relationships is key. It is nothing if not one of the major cornerstones (in my opinion) of a lasting relationship. And I mean in any kind of relationship, not solely romantic, but also in friendships, familial relationships, etc. Do our filters need to really be on that so Tupperwear tight in these relationships where we should be open with one another?  

Honesty can be spoken from a place of love and charity. Yea "the truth hurts", and maybe I "can't handle the truth" (Bonus points if you can name the movie) but honestly I would rather someone be honest with how they feel about me, or if there is some problem that could be remedied rather than spare my feelings. We are grown ups, we can take a hard pill if we need to. Holding in the truth can result in the people involved being on 2 different pages. I'm thinking one thing, and you may be thinking the complete opposite. The awful thing is when the other person knows you are feeling "it" but they are chicken to really tell you what is up. Please, don't spare my feelings and  just let me know. It's way worse going along with someone who is essentially pretending. Or what may be even worse, just falling off the face of the earth and just think by not talking to you for some periods of time that you will just get the hint that its over, or by ignoring you and sweeping the whole relationship under the rug it will just magically go away and you won't have to actually be mature and talk about it ever. BUT what that does, for me at least,  is just string me along and let me hold out hope that maybe you are just busy, or something came up or insert other excuse here. 

Now I understand that may make me sound desperate and crazy attached or clingy, and maybe it sounds that way, but honestly that is not the case. It may take me a minute, but I am capable of letting go. I will even respect you even more in the end. But what it comes down to is that, and maybe its just me, but I am an unnaturally optimistic person.   I can see the bright side in a storm if I really wanted to. As humans what do we have if not hope and faith that something good comes out of darkness. Its a character flaw, I know. So when this happens to me (Lord knows its been more than once) I hold out hope and allow the other person excuse after excuse and the benefit of the doubt. But what I don't know (actually realistically I should know but that optimism man, it will get you) is that the whole thing has been over for a while, but I was never actually notified. Why? Because I believe it comes down to people being afraid of honesty. So instead of just putting your grown up pants on and calling it quits, or bringing an issue to light like a human, it gets swept under the rug and I am left wasting my time holding out hope for something that died a long time ago. 

So maybe in a way it is my fault for not being realistic about these things, but am I wrong for wanting someone to just give it to me straight? Yea it may be uncomfortable but I've learned thats what being an adult is all about. Why should relationships be any different? If we are honest with each other we all end up on the same page and we can get so much further along with everything. Best case scenario it may even be an issue that is fixable therefore allowing you to climb that mountain together and be even stronger at the end of it. 
So going forward, honesty is definitely the best policy. 
Yes, believe it or not, this post was inspired by true events. 

#1

Vide Espace. Empty Space. Empty space for me to put my thoughts into a place where they don't eat me alive from the inside. A blank canvas for me to brain dump. A place where anything, everything, and nothing will be said. Be warned about the randomness, honesty, darkness, positivity, negativity, and raw unfiltered thought process that will present it self here. I may or may not share these from time to time,  but it may just be an outlet to get me out of my head and let my thoughts float around here instead of inside my head and completely consuming me. Which may be what has been happening lately. There is something dangerous about how keeping to yourself in your head can make you feel small issues become mountains, or suppressing mountains into little mounds. Neither of which may or may not be healthy, but never the less here I am. Mounds and Mountains. Everyone needs an outlet. I suck at painting or anything artistic, I play music by pushing a play button on my laptop, I am not the most athletic person ever, and I don't have many friends, so writing is my outlet. Not saying that I am particularly gifted in this area either but I can't really mess this up. I've filled journals and scraps of paper with thoughts or quotes that are meaningful to me at the time. None of which I've shared, but there is some kind of release by getting it out of my head in that way. the only thing missing is my "mood handwriting", as if my colorful language isn't indication enough about how I am feeling, but there is something extra about my loopy happy handwriting, or my angry oversized chicken scratch, but I will do my best to bring those emotions to fruition through here.  But don't get me wrong,  writing things down doesn't mean it goes away, but it makes it more concrete and I feel I shared it in a way.
Next time... Honesty. Lets dive into that conundrum.